“To Have a Friend, You Must Be a Friend”

The quote noted above was an old adage I grew up hearing from my Grandmother. She was a younger widow at the age of 64 and relied on her local girlfriends for connection because family members lived a few hours away. My Grandma and her friends would gather for meals, cards, laughter, church and connection.

I have just finished the book entitled, “The Life Council, 10 Friends Every Woman Needs”, by Laura Tremaine, and it's a good starting point for thinking about the types of friends that we've needed along the way. Some say that we are a collection of our experiences, but I would also add that we are a collection of those who touch our lives when we've needed community the most.

One grouping of friends that Lauren Tremaine discusses is called the Business Bestie.  At this stage in my life and career when my kids are growing up and will be out of the house before I can blink, I find I am drawn to female entrepreneurs who encourage other women with their leadership and guidance.  These women believe in each other’s missions and cheer for them from the ground up.  They recruit people to attend events, share your Blogs, or take your calls when you have a business questions.  Simply put, they believe in your work.

Next Tremaine notes a “Battle Buddy” type of friend.  These are friends that may be going through the same walk of life as you find yourself traversing through.  My battle buddies know what it is like to be aging, parent teens and have aging parents.  In short, they get “it”, therefore, they get you.  When others may try to understand, these Battle Buddies already know the ups and downs of your age and experience and may give you a list of “what has and hasn’t worked”, even if it’s not solicited- which is fine by me.

Tremaine doesn’t write about the category of family as being friends.  I would argue that if you have siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, parents, children, partners that you enjoy sharing life with- they absolutely count as friends too.  So often we are better friends to those outside our families and limit our own creativity, time and generosity to those right in front of us.

So, back to my Grandma.  “To have a friend, you must be a friend” correlates to the Golden Rule- “do onto others as you would have done to yourself”.  That doesn’t always mean treat people exactly how you want to you be treated.  It means, treat others how THEY want to be treated.  Assuming that people need what you may need is better than your absence, but those assumptions can also hurt people’s feelings too.  Be curious and ask questions when you want to know what someone else needs.

Below is a list of 7 things that I am pondering about with regard to Friendships.

1)      When is the last time you felt seen by a friend?  Who was it?  Do you think they feel the same way about you?

2)      When is the last time you showed up for a friend?  I have a story about this one.  When my Father was in the hospital a few years back, an old friend that I didn’t really keep in touch with, appeared out of nowhere with a basket full of snacks and treats for my family.  Then, my church stepped up and dropped off meals for my family because I was in the hospital for a few weeks from morning until nighttime.  Visiting a sick friend, attending a funeral of their loved ones, calling them, or signing up for a meal train shows you care.  Show up for your friends.

3)      What do you look for in a friend?  Is it fun? Trust? Companionship? Advice? We get and give different things from different people.

4)      What do you think you give others as a friend?  Do you text or call people when you are thinking about them?  Do you encourage their dreams?  Do you listen to their problems? Do you invite them…anywhere.  Initiate contact.  Invite.

5)      I am not a huge social media person- but this Poem by David Gate speaks volumes about how to encourage a friend, other than just by liking a Selfie.  https://www.davidgatepoet.com/store/p/be-kind-about-the-names.  He reveals that we “were born with a limitless supply of encouragements”.  Use the gift of encouragement on repeat.

6)      Why reinvent the wheel.  Let’s look at a few questions from Esther Perel. Read this article and see her questions below.  https://www.estherperel.com/blog/letters-from-esther-27-friendship

To whom do you owe a phone call?

Do you have a friendship that would benefit from clearer boundaries?

Have you ever broken up with a friend? Why?

Has a friend ever broken up with you? Why?

To whom might you owe an apology?

What does friendship feel like when it’s great?

With whom would you like to spend a whole day?

7)      Don’t underestimate or miss the connections with strangers and acquaintances out there.  The people you see at the post office, your local grocery store, construction workers, etc…  Smile at people.  Talk to your grocery cashier, ask them how they are, laugh with them- at the bare minimum look up from your phone and gaze into their eyes (but not for too long, that’s creepy) and give them an authentic smile.  We don’t know how collected smiles, kind gestures, respect and appreciation impacts the world- but that’s ok, numbers are overrated anyway.  Assume connection is always better than self-importance or not noticing people.

That’s it for now, Friends.  I hope that you think a little bit more about what kind of friend you want to be to others.  Ask for help when you need it from your friends.  That’s one reason we have friends in the first place- to meet us where we are and accept us for who we are- and then to give back the love they give us during the highs and lows of life- and so on and so forth until we die.

LoveWell,

Kim

P.S. The picture for this Blog shows my Sister and I adoring our Grandma-Friend.