“To Have a Friend, You Must Be a Friend”
The quote noted above was an old adage I grew up hearing from my Grandmother. She was a younger widow at the age of 64 and relied on her local girlfriends for connection because family members lived a few hours away. My Grandma and her friends would gather for meals, cards, laughter, church and connection. This quote is significant to me because it notes personal responsibility in order to cultivate good relationships. Healthy friendships don’t just come easily. “To have a friend, you must be a friend” also correlates to the Golden Rule - “do onto others as you would have done to yourself”. That doesn’t always mean treating people exactly how you want to be treated. It means treat others how THEY want to be treated. Assuming that people need the same as what you may need is better than your absence, but those assumptions can also hurt feelings. Be curious and ask questions when you want to know what someone else needs.
I have just finished the book entitled, “The Life Council, 10 Friends Every Woman Needs”, by Laura Tremaine, and it's a good starting point for thinking about the types of friends that we've needed along the way. Some say that we are a collection of our experiences, but I would also add that we are a collection of those who have touched our lives when we've needed community the most and those we’ve cared for during life’s celebrations and tragedies.
Laura Tremaine writes about many different types of friends she needed along her journey. One such group she labeled is called the “Business Bestie”. At this stage in my life and career when my kids are growing up and will be out of the house before I can blink, I find I am drawn to female entrepreneurs who encourage other women with their leadership and guidance. These women believe in each other’s missions and cheer for them from the ground up. They recruit people to attend events, share Blogs/Posts/Newsletters, or take your calls to answer business questions. Simply put, they believe in you and your work.
Next Tremaine notes a “Battle Buddy” type of friend. These are friends that may be going through the same walk of life as you find yourself traversing through. My battle buddies know what it is like to be aging, parent teens, and to have lost a parent. In short, they get “it”, therefore, they get you. While others may try to understand, these Battle Buddies already know the ups and downs of your age and experience and may give you a list of “what has and hasn’t worked”, even if it’s not solicited- which is fine by me.
Tremaine doesn’t write about the category of family as being friends. I would argue that if you have siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, parents, children, partners that you enjoy sharing life with- they absolutely count as friends too. So often we are better friends to those outside our families and limit our own creativity, time and generosity to those we call family.
Below is a list of 7 things that I am pondering about with regard to Friendships.
1) When is the last time you felt seen by a friend? Who was it? Do you think they feel the same way about you?
2) When is the last time you showed up for a friend? I have stories about people showing up for me when I didn’t even realize I needed them. When my father was in the hospital a few years back, an old friend that I didn’t really keep in touch with, appeared out of nowhere with a basket full of snacks and treats for my family. It showed me that she thought of me AND my kids. My church then stepped up and dropped off meals for my family because I was in the hospital for a few weeks from morning until nighttime. Visiting a sick friend, attending a funeral of their loved ones, calling them, signing up for a meal train, going to their kids shows or games shows that you care about them. Show up for your friends.
3) What do you look for in a friend? Is it fun? Trust? Companionship? Advice? We get and give different things from different people.
4) What do you think you give others as a friend? Do you text or call people when you are thinking about them? Do you encourage their dreams? Do you listen to their problems? Do you invite them…anywhere? Initiate contact. Invite.
5) I am not a huge social media person- but this poem by David Gate speaks volumes about how to encourage a friend, other than just by liking a selfie. He reveals that we “were born with a limitless supply of encouragements”. Use the gift of encouragement on repeat.
6) Why reinvent the wheel. Let’s look at a few questions from Esther Perel. Read this article and see her questions below.
To whom do you owe a phone call?
Do you have a friendship that would benefit from clearer boundaries?
Have you ever broken up with a friend? Why?
Has a friend ever broken up with you? Why?
To whom might you owe an apology?
What does friendship feel like when it’s great?
With whom would you like to spend a whole day?
7) Don’t underestimate or miss the connections with strangers and acquaintances out there. These are the people you see at the post office, your local grocery store, construction workers, etc… Smile at people. Talk to your grocery cashier, ask them how they are, laugh with them- at the bare minimum look up from your phone and gaze into their eyes (but not for too long, that’s creepy) and give them an authentic smile. We don’t know how collected smiles, kind gestures, respect and appreciation impacts the world- but that’s ok, numbers are overrated anyway. Assume connection is always better than self-importance or not noticing people. Your connection could remind them that we are all in this together and that the world is not as bad as it seems.
That’s it for now, Friends. I hope that you think a little bit more about what kind of friend you aspire to be to others. Ask for help when you need it from your friends. That’s one reason we have friends in the first place- to meet us where we are and accept us for who we are- and then to give back the love they give us during the highs and lows of life- and so on and so forth until we die.
LoveWell,
Kim
P.S. The picture for this Blog shows my Grandma-Friend and I.