Growing and Aging
“People who accept a situation without having to master it often find it easier to be spontaneous and flexible…” (Boss, 2000).
When I was an undergraduate, learning about Human Development and the Lifespan, I had an engaging, thought-provoking Professor who used to swim laps during her pregnancy. I would watch her swim while I worked out above her in the gym. She was probably in her 30s, and I was nineteen. She looked like a good Mom already- taking care of her body in a gentle way, and I wondered if her baby liked it too.
While I was swimming laps last evening, I had the fortune or misfortune to swim next to a water aerobics class for older people, and it reminded me of the water aerobics class I took in college, in the same pool that my professor and her unborn baby swam in. I started to think about all of the times I swam in a pool as a kid, a person in my twenties having fun, while pregnant with my first child swimming laps just like my Professor, exploring with my young children at lessons, relaxing out of the pool while watching my older kids who grew up to master a few strokes and now in my mid-forties finding exercises that are kind to my aging body.
Nothing can replicate the feeling of water buoyancy for our souls and minds, the feeling of being light and held, the magic of silencing the outside noise, or the ability to make splashes while kicking (unintentionally or intentionally). But what do we do when we get out of the pool and feel the weight of Aging?
Pauline Boss, an expert in Loss (and worth a Google search), may note that we grieve Aging throughout our lifespan. When we graduate high school, many of us feel afraid to leave our safety nests. If we are lucky enough to go to a college or trade school, we may have no idea who we are in the “real world” once we leave our small community of being known by others. In our 20s, we try to figure out what our careers will be, who we will want to marry or not, or who or what is no longer adding value to our lives. We leave behind some more lightheartedness and trade it out with more serious intentions and plans for some sort of security we hope for. We may have children (or not) in our 30s and add more responsibilities to our plates with home purchases, childcare costs, or moving up the corporate ladder. We continue to add more “things” to our schedules and lives, but do we ever spend time processing some of the things we have lost along the way? What’s happened to our relationships, our mental loads, our bodies, our time, or our dreams?
Now that I am getting close to reaching another decade, I realize the utter importance of processing all of the losses: losses in a marriage after a baby is born (of freedom and spontaneity), losses in children graduating from elementary, middle, and high schools, losses in aging parents, losses in siblings that live far away, losses in opportunities, but…there is so much we are gaining, too!
Here is the less depressing part of this Blog—how do we grow as we age? Below is a list that may help you navigate your next life stage. It’s not just about honoring our losses; it’s also about playing around with vision, reprieve, resets, humor, and experimentation!
1) What age and stage are you currently in? Do you have peers that you can relate to about your experiences? For instance, I am currently in the stage of raising teenagers and enjoy hearing about other parents’ (who also have teenagers) experiences and ideas.
2) Have you processed the stage that you just left? An example of this could be that I work with a lot of women in their 40s and 50s who are going through perimenopause or post menopause, as well as men who may have a decrease in testosterone and both genders may experience more aches, pains, hopelessness, boredom, unfulfilled dreams and an urgency to quickly “do what they can” before they can no longer. What is it like to be middle-aged? How can you accept your current stage, yet honor and miss the time when you were younger, had more energy or “fun”, did x, y, z more, felt better, etc.? I find that making up-to-date gratitude lists can help us with staying in the present, to notice what we have verses what we wish for or don’t have. Please don’t stay stuck wanting to be in your previous stage- there is more that awaits you on the other side of it!
3) Listen to Brene Brown talk about aging, she is wise and her voice is soothing - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yglrwDdiGEQ.
4) What are some positive things about your current stage? What are you looking forward to? I am personally excited about gaining some wisdom along the way! God knows I need it!
5) Do you ever spend time with people younger AND older than you? If so, notice what that is like for you? What can you learn? You can volunteer if you don’t have natural groups to choose from. Or, look around your neighborhood as well!
6) What is something new that you can do this year? Start a project? Pick up a hobby? Make different friends? I started a neighborhood coffee last year with women of all different ages, and it was therapeutic. Who knows, maybe I’ll get back into water aerobics this year, with some older folks, who may even turn into friends!
7) What did you like to do as a child? Ride bikes, do art, fish? Try to reconnect with your child-like self. It’s fun, necessary, and life-giving.
That’s all for now, Friends.
With Love,
Kim
P.S. Have a listen to Vampire Weekend’s Song, Capricorn. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mDxcDjg9P4 It hints at aging and it’s even better live!