Independence, Dependence or Somewhere In-Between

As a Couples Therapist and someone who does Divorce Work, I have several ideas about how and why marriages last.  Let’s start with my notions about why some marriages don’t survive.  Our culture is obsessed with Independence and has been built on this idea from its inception (for some, in particular, White European Immigrants around 1776).  “We” have been told that the United States (US) is the “Land of Free” (for some), of which I have personally benefited from.  But, how does the concept of freedom play out in our marriages?  Macro Cultural Norms and Ideas (hyper-independence) can trickle down to Micro Relational Struggles in marriage that cause distance and loneliness.  Think about it in terms of our iPhones- each individual selects Apps, based on their own preferences to utilize on their own time.  But does the illusion of “freedom” and “choice” that we get from our phone use cheat us into thinking that we can do whatever we want, whenever we want in our relationships, without a cost? 

Sometimes I see couples struggle when Partner A expects to make more decisions that impact the relationship and they pout (appear angry or disengage) if they don’t get their way.  Partner A may find it difficult to let Partner B lead, have authority over certain topics, or surrender to Partner B’s wishes, desires or longings.  Or, Partner A may be so engrossed into “their” family of origin, “their” work, “their” own social life, that it squeezes out any room for Partner A to get their relational needs met.  Over time, Independence seems to be the only driving factor towards happiness versus striving for the In-Between.  A metaphor that could be useful to describe this situation is if Partner A is driving the car with the front windows completely down because they are hot, and feels relieved by the freedom of the fresh air while Partner B is in the back seat with a hurricane force of wind blowing in their face, experiencing a lot of discomfort, asking Partner A to turn up the windows a little, but Partner A cannot hear them because it is too loud.  In my experience, a relationship cannot thrive well if one person is “in charge” most of the time, or overly self-involved/selfish.

Next we have, Dependence.  We all know people who rely on others for self-esteem and worth, belonging, socializing, etc…  Partner A may be a person who “puts all of their eggs in one basket”, or asks their partner to give them “what an entire village used to provide” (Esther Perel, 2013 TED Talk).  This is both demanding and draining.  It puts entirely way too much responsibility onto Partner B to satisfy all of their many needs.  At times, I see this when Partner A doesn’t explore independently with hobbies, friends, family, etc...  In some cases, they may even be afraid to try new experiences without their loved one.  In short, Partner A may expect their spouse to be their “cure” to all of life’s challenges. 

Somewhere In Between is called Interdependency.  Simply noted, Partner A notices that her treatment towards Partner B impacts his treatment towards her (bi-directional influences).  She would rely on him when she is going through the highs and lows of life to be her support.  She would also be attentive to him when he is going through a difficult time.  She will aim to be her best self for him and him likewise. They are emotionally available for and vulnerable with one another.  She needs him and he needs her, but not all of the time, they can both soothe themselves in other ways. 

My former supervisor used to talk about “Love Tanks” like we think of Gas Tanks and would teach me to ask my couples, “When is the last time you filled up your Love Tank?”  “How did you do this?”  Or, “Where is your Love Tank now, is it close to “E”?”  You can usually tell if a couple is near “E” when they are fighting over a lot of things, criticizing and seem emotionally distant.  Here is a list of things to consider when evaluating your relationship or your Love Tank. 

1)       Listen to this TED Talk by Esther Perel, it correlates with the Dependence part of this Blog-https://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_the_secret_to_desire_in_a_long_term_relationship  (Minute 1:55-3:46, or the whole thing, it’s excellent!)

2)      Do you think your partner knows most things about you?  Have they been curious about your life lately?  Do they learn new things from you?  How about you with theirs?  Or, do you assume you know everything about your partner and feel bored?

3)      Are you more comfortable leading?  Try allowing your loved one to lead and see how you feel about it.  Is it more enjoyable than you have thought?  How did it make your Partner feel?

4)      Do you open up enough to rely on your partner emotionally when you are going through a difficult time, or do you keep it to yourself?  Terrence Reel writes, “A good relationship is not one in which the raw parts of ourselves are avoided.  A good relationship is one in which they are handled.  And a great relationship is one in which they are healed.” (pg. 46, The New Rules of Marriage).

5)      Know the 5 Love Languages (Words of Affirmation, Praise, Gifts, Physical Touch, and Quality Time).  I am guessing that one of Norah Jones’s primary love languages is Quality Time, based on her song, “Come Away With Me”. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lbjZPFBD6JU.  What are your primary love languages?  What about your partner’s?

6)      Know the 4 Communication Styles that negatively impact relationships (Gottman Institute- https://www.gottman.com/).  Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling build unhealthy gridlocks over time.

7)      Ask yourself how you are as a partner?  Are you what you want from your own spouse?  Are you treating them with the golden rule/how you want to be treated?  Relationship changes start with you first- one step forward with insight, courage, creativity, assertiveness, intention and vulnerability. 

That’s it for now, Friends. I hope that you’ve learned something new about how to improve your relationship.

LoveWell,

Kim