Surrender
Sometimes I have heard this suggestion bounced around on podcasts, especially at the beginning of the new year: “What is your word for the year?” That prompt is too cumbersome for me, so I shrunk the question: “What is one of the words I want to use this September to ground me as I go into a new season?”
There are some seasons of life where you have less choice than others, which is why the word “surrender” came to my mind so easily and clearly. Whether I am ready for it (or not), I am on the Mid-Life” train. This present stage catapults me into situations beyond my control, from caring for a parent fighting cancer to teaching my 16-year-old daughter how to drive. On the one hand I am witnessing aging with its inevitable tolls on physical ability and memory, while on the other I am watching the promise of the future that lies ahead of my teenagers.
So, what am I to do on this ever-evolving train ride? When do I get off? Where am I going? Where are we going? How am I to care for those beloved family members? I can’t stop the fierce spread of Stage 4 cancer. Nor can I control whether my other daughters get hurt in a soccer game or who will be kind to them. I can’t dictate how my girls lives will be or predict when my last goodbye will be with anyone that I love.
But I can surrender. Merriam-Webster defines “surrender” as “giving over of control” or a “giving up over a right or privilege in favor of another”. In some religious contexts it can mean to submit to the authority and will of God. I’d also like to add my own interpretation of this verb and suggest that the action of surrendering leads to acceptance, which is a healing place during any grief processes. I can’t control bad things from happening to my loved ones. I can’t change my age. But I can accept my limitations and adapt to change, not resist it. I can shrink myself and not view all of my actions as mattering as much as I think they do. I can “go with the flow”, whatever that means. I prefer to use my previous supervisor’s adage and channel my inner-Joel Embiid. I can “Trust the Process”.
So, how do you actually surrender? Below is a list of 7 ideas to help guide you through this process.
1) Surrendering to what the day will hold for you is a daily practice. The more tightly you hold onto an agenda, or controlling an outcome, the more disappointed you will be if it doesn’t pan out the way you imagined.
2) Jon Kabat-Zinn, the author of “Full Catastrophic Living: Using the Wisdom of Your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain, and Illness” notes that “letting go” means not judging what the present means, nor resisting how things are. The opposite of letting go is “holding on, or clinging” (page 30). What are you holding onto? It may have served a purpose. It may be good. Just note it, without judgment, if possible.
3) Sometimes music helps us better embody ideas. Listen to my favorite Beatles song, “Let it Be”. It may move you to tears, like it just did for me. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QDYfEBY9NM4
4) The lyrics from the song above note that “there will be answers” as a hope for future resolution or temporary cure for acute pain. Refer back to #1 as we may not find answers to all things that will help us plan for the future, but if we do, we can often find meaning. As we wait for answers, we grow in patience and perseverance.
5) I am not suggesting that you surrender to EVERYTHING! There is a difference between apathy and surrender. Pick a few things that really matter to you, whether it’s politics, the environment, justice, etc... Make a family code of ethics. Teach your kids to not grow weary making a difference in things that really matter to you.
6) I believe that grieving can help you surrender better. Take a look at David Kessler’s work. He has partnered with the Ultimate Grief Guru, Elizabeth Kubler Ross on a few books and has a podcast worth listening to. https://grief.com/podcasts/. He defines Grief as an unwanted change.
7) Note that it is good to grieve, although it may not feel like it initially. Don’t run from sad feelings, that’s exhausting. Cry, write, pray, or share them.
That’s it for now, Friends. I hope that you can allow yourself to grieve a little this Fall (the little and big things) in order to surrender to the moment. Because moments are really all we have in this life.
With Love,
Kim